June 2, 2009

The Amityville Horror (1979)

The Amityville Horror (1979)
Watched June 1, 2009

The Lutzes move into a house in Amityville, Long Island, only to find that the house is haunted! Ooooh!!!

"The Amityville Horror" isn't anything special.

I think it's pretty safe to say that "Amityville Horror" is probably the most famous haunted house movie ever made. I guess there's "Poltergeist", but I'm just gonna stick with "Amityville". Based off of the hit book, which was supposedly based off a true story (this has been proven false), the movie made 86 million dollars at the box office in 1979, which, by my calculations that may or may not be completely wrong, would be about 246 million nowadays. That's a lot of money.

It shouldn't be that famous. The film really is not even that good. It may just be because the film hasn't held up well over the years, but I think it's very possible that the film was never that good to begin with.

First off, nothing really even happens to the Lutzes the entire movie. Sure, the father learns he really likes wood (fireplace wood, of course) and the daughter gets an imaginary friend which may or may not be some giant blue thing with red eyes. But, doesn't that happen all the time in the world? Just because a dad has an unnatural obsession with (chopping) wood doesn't mean his house is haunted. And the walls bleeding? It was probably just red paint that was seeping out of freshly painted walls. Oh, and their toilets clog. Surefire sign that their house is haunted.

So, nothing scary happens to the Lutzes, so what happens? Well, we watch some priest guy throw up. And a nun throw up. It's quite possible that the Lutz house just smells really bad. So bad that the mere thought of the smell causes the priest to go blind. Completely logical.

And the movie is never really scary because there's no feeling of isolation or entrapment in the house. At any time, the family could just pack up and leave and the house will do little or nothing to stop them. Sure, it'll make the walls bleed, but is that really that bad? Pssh... nah. It might even make the chandelier wiggle a little, or make the door jam. So they just go through the windows. Overall, there's no real feeling of danger in the film.

So, the movie basically amounts to gratuitious wood chopping and watching a priest throw up. Not especially scary. Not especially interesting. Not especially fun to watch. Overall, there's really not much point to even watching the movie, because if you wanted to hear the completely made up story of the Amityville house, you could read the book, and if you wanted to watch a good haunted house movie, you'd watch "The Changeling". "The Amityville Horror" isn't a bad film, it's just that there's nothing even remotely special about it other than the fact that it was a haunted house movie that made a lot of money. I give "Amityville Horror":

2 out of 5 chainsaws (PRETTY BAD, SKIP IT)

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