Who Can Kill a Child? (1976)

Who Can Kill A Child? (1976)
Watched October 23, 2009

SYNOPSIS
A man and his pregnant wife travel to an island where the children have gone crazy and killed all of the adults.

SHORT REVIEW
"Who Can Kill A Child?" is a creepy and disturbing Spanish film that deserves a hell of a lot more recognition than it is currently receiving.

REVIEW
I really dislike writing reviews for movies that I loved. It's the second worst kind of review to write, right after movies that you just thought were alright and have nothing to say about them. Because I could spend all day raving about the movie, but that wouldn't be very fun to read. I prefer to write reviews for movies I hated, or ones I liked but had numerous flaws. "Who Can Kill A Child?" is one of those movies I loved, so I'm not really going to have much to say about it, other than the fact that it's great, and you should probably get off your ass right now and see it if you haven't already.

"Who Can Kill A Child?", also known as "Quien puede matar a un nino?", "Death Is Child's Play", "Island of Death", "Island of the Damned", "Lucifer's Curse" (?), "The Killer's Playground", "Trapped", and "Would You Kill A Child?", is a killer child movie more along the lines of "Village of the Damned" than "The Omen", because instead of just one crazy-ass kid, there's a whole town full of 'em. On an off-topic note, why does every foreign horror movie of the 1970s have like 18 alternate titles? It really makes things fucking confusing.

Anyways, these kids have apparently killed every adult on the island, and now that a man and his pregnant wife are there on vacation, they're going to have to kill them too. So these tourist types are going to have to try to escape the island, but to do so may mean having to kill children. And who can kill a child?

I quite love the idea of this movie. Children are always portrayed as so innocent, and when they're batshit crazy, it's often times very disturbing. So is the case in this film. Watching a laughing young girl playfully beat an old man to death with his cane just drops your jaw. And then there's a scene afterwards that involves that same old man that is so freaky, that if you're not surprised at it, you're an android with no feelings. And I don't like androids.

So yeah, it's disturbing, it's very well-made, has very good performances by its leads (and the ninos) and it should be a hell of a lot more well-known than it is at the moment. It's one of the best, if not the best, killer kid movies ever made and needs to be seen by you. Right now. Put it on your Netflix queue. Buy it. I don't have anything else to say. I'm dragging as it is. I give "Who Can Kill A Child?":

5 out of 5 chainsaws (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED)

Scream and Scream Again (1970)

Scream and Scream Again (1970)
Watched June 3, 2009

SYNOPSIS
There's a serial killer, some sort of master race, and a guy that can kill you by just touching your shoulder. Crazy.

SHORT REVIEW
"Scream and Scream Again" is quite entertaining, and it's quite cool how a bunch of seemingly unrelated subplots end up coming together in the end.

REVIEW
"Scream and Scream Again" is on a double-feature DVD with "The Oblong Box", which I quite disliked, which you would know if you read the review I just wrote for it. Wait, you didn't read my "Oblong Box" review? Well, go now. After you read this. Anyways, I had low expectations for this one after "Oblong Box", but "Scream and Scream Again" really delivered, and was much better than I even hoped it to be.

So, anyways, the film is kind of weird at the beginning, because there's so many different things happening. There's a jogger being captured and getting his limbs cut off, there's some sort of rapist/murderer that drains the blood of his victims, and there's Vincent Price with his vat of acid. Not to mention some military subplot with a guy that can kill by simply touching you. The film tries to be so many things at once, it's kind of an oddity at first, and you think that maybe you're watching a bunch of different films cut together into one big film. You're not. You're just watching "Scream and Scream Again".

Anyways, all these subplots eventually come together to one quite great finale, but just because the rest of the movie is kind of disjointed and strange, it doesn't mean it's not entertaining as hell, because "Scream and Scream Again" is. It's just great. The first half of the movie isn't anything amazing, but it keeps your attention. Then, there's an amazingly filmed car chase, and from there, it just gets better. It's just highly entertaining, much more so than "Oblong Box".

And, also unlike "Oblong Box", "Scream and Scream Again" uses Vincent Price to its advantage, even if Price has a pretty small role. He plays a mad scientist, and he's just great. I really do like Vincent Price.

You also may be intrigued as the poster says Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing are also in the film. But their roles are pretty much just cameos, and neither of them get very much screen time at all. Oh well, it really doesn't affect the film at all.

So, it's entertaining, and it has vampire rapists and Vincent Price. Are you sold yet? What if I said there was a guy that breaks his own arm off? You're still not sold? Then you obviously shouldn't be on this site. But stay anyways. I need every viewer I can get. I'm desperate.

It's not the best film of all time by any means, but it's a highly entertaining film that I really do recommend. If you get the double-sided disc with "Oblong Box", though, just skip that other film. It's not worth your time, in my opinion. I give "Scream and Scream Again":


4 out of 5 chainsaws (VERY GOOD, SEE IT)

The Amityville Horror (1979)

The Amityville Horror (1979)
Watched June 1, 2009


SYNOPSIS
The Lutzes move into a house in Amityville, Long Island, only to find that the house is haunted! Ooooh!!!

SHORT REVIEW
"The Amityville Horror" isn't anything special.

REVIEW
I think it's pretty safe to say that "Amityville Horror" is probably the most famous haunted house movie ever made. I guess there's "Poltergeist", but I'm just gonna stick with "Amityville". Based off of the hit book, which was supposedly based off a true story (this has been proven false), the movie made 86 million dollars at the box office in 1979, which, by my calculations that may or may not be completely wrong, would be about 246 million nowadays. That's a lot of money.

It shouldn't be that famous. The film really is not even that good. It may just be because the film hasn't held up well over the years, but I think it's very possible that the film was never that good to begin with.

First off, nothing really even happens to the Lutzes the entire movie. Sure, the father learns he really likes wood (fireplace wood, of course) and the daughter gets an imaginary friend which may or may not be some giant blue thing with red eyes. But, doesn't that happen all the time in the world? Just because a dad has an unnatural obsession with (chopping) wood doesn't mean his house is haunted. And the walls bleeding? It was probably just red paint that was seeping out of freshly painted walls. Oh, and their toilets clog. Surefire sign that their house is haunted.

So, nothing scary happens to the Lutzes, so what happens? Well, we watch some priest guy throw up. And a nun throw up. It's quite possible that the Lutz house just smells really bad. So bad that the mere thought of the smell causes the priest to go blind. Completely logical.

And the movie is never really scary because there's no feeling of isolation or entrapment in the house. At any time, the family could just pack up and leave and the house will do little or nothing to stop them. Sure, it'll make the walls bleed, but is that really that bad? Pssh... nah. It might even make the chandelier wiggle a little, or make the door jam. So they just go through the windows. Overall, there's no real feeling of danger in the film.

So, the movie basically amounts to gratuitious wood chopping and watching a priest throw up. Not especially scary. Not especially interesting. Not especially fun to watch. Overall, there's really not much point to even watching the movie, because if you wanted to hear the completely made up story of the Amityville house, you could read the book, and if you wanted to watch a good haunted house movie, you'd watch "The Changeling". "The Amityville Horror" isn't a bad film, it's just that there's nothing even remotely special about it other than the fact that it was a haunted house movie that made a lot of money. I give "Amityville Horror":

2 out of 5 chainsaws (PRETTY BAD, SKIP IT)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)
Watched May 30, 2009

SYNOPSIS
Well, there's tomatoes that are killing people. It's one of those titles that basically explains the movie without me having to explain it. Alright, synopsis over.

SHORT REVIEW
What should have been pretty much the greatest movie ever created is alright, but tries too hard and often fails.

REVIEW
If you're not intrigued by a title like "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", then you're either not human or are one of those snooty film losers that look down upon anyone who watches anything but Oscar winners and obscure Russian movies. If you are human and can appreciate bad cinema, then I'm pretty sure you're wondering if "Killer Tomatoes" is good enough to spend ninety minutes of your life on.

Short answer, it had so much potential, but it didn't really use it. It's not a complete loser though, the film is actually pretty funny at times. The tomato attacks are great (a stand out is the first kill in the movie, where a tomato kills a housewife but I have no freaking idea how), and there's some really humorous moments, like the man disguising himself as a tomato to infiltrate their system or the guy who always wears his military uniform and a huge parachute that hurts much more often than it helps.

However, the film seems like it tries way too hard at points. I'm pretty damn sure that the filmmakers tried to make this as bad as they possibly can, but then they try adding twists and turns to the plot that seriously muddle the film up. Plus, I have no idea who any of the characters were or what their purpose to the plot was. I don't know what Mason Dixon and his squad were trying to do. I don't know why that one girl was spying on them. And I don't know who the hell the guy is who believes he can control the tomatoes. I was pretty lost when it came to characters and plot. Maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention because I was too busy eagerly awaiting the next tomato attack.

And, unfortunately, for every good joke, there's a few really bad jokes, and not "so-bad-they're-funny" jokes like they should be. Just stupid jokes that try too hard to be stupid.

But, man, is the music good. I love the "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" theme song that they play during the opening credits. I also love "Puberty Love", as it's quite possibly the worst song ever created. I need to have that song. I need to. Now.

Overall, I enjoyed "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", except sometimes it just was dull. A lot of the jokes failed miserably, and the filmmakers' attempts to actually add a real plot to the movie actually made the film worse. I think I should probably give the film 2 chainsaws, but I can't deny that the film made me laugh out loud at some parts, which is more than I can say for a lot of films I watch. So, I give "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" a disapponting, but still okay:

3 out of 5 chainsaws (AVERAGE)

P.S. I felt that the film tried way too hard to emulate "Airplane!", but then I looked both films up, and it turns out this came out before "Airplane!". Maybe this was an influence on that spoof classic we all love. Whether or not this is true, "Airplane!" is still the much funnier movie.

The Last House on the Left (1972)

The Last House on the Left (1972)
Watched March 31, 2009


SYNOPSIS
While trying to score some drugs, two teens get kidnapped, raped and murdered. After all the raping, the kidnappers need some place to stay, and unknowingly stay in the house of the girl they just killed. Needless to say, her parents aren't happy.

SHORT REVIEW
While "Last House" is somewhat disturbing and ahead of its time, it suffers from a over-abundance of unneeded comic relief and the fact that it really isn't that good of a film.

REVIEW
I had planned to watch the original "Last House on the Left" before seeing the remake. It was even on my Netflix queue. Fortunately, the good people at MGM-HD decided to play the film, so I recorded it and planned to watch it. I also planned to watch the remake when it came out on DVD, so I figured I had plenty of time to watch the original. But, things happen and I found myself going to see the remake in theaters, while the rest of my family went and saw "Knowing". I figured I'd save myself over two hours of Nicolas Cage acting, and choose the "LHOTL" remake instead. So, I saw the remake before the original, which I don't like to do, because it may make me enjoy the original less because I'll know what happens. Well, I never thought I'd actually be saying this, but it didn't really matter that I knew what happens, because the remake is a better film. Gah, I still can't believe I prefer a remake. I'm supposed to despise remakes! But, so far, 2009 is making me rethink my stand on remakes.

Enough remake talk! We're talking about the original "Last House" (not really original as it is a remake of "The Virgin Spring"); the one that started Wes Craven's career, the one that is supposed to be one of the most shocking, disturbing and hard-to-watch horror movies in history. To make a long story short, I think it's lost a lot of its shock value. I mean, it's not hard to see how this was shocking in the 1970s. People in the 70s weren't desensitized to extreme violence. But, in this day and age, we have more films that out-shock this one by far.

And since really the only thing going for this movie was its controversy, it makes it even more evident that this really isn't a very good movie.

The main thing wrong with it is that there is a distinct lack of consistent tone. The entire movie is basically teenagers getting humiliated and raped, but for some reason, there's some pretty happy, upbeat music playing during all of it. And in between all of the raping, there's some cops who drive right past the killers' car, drive back to arrest the killers only to find they didn't fill up their car with gas and then try to hitch a ride with some creepy black lady who loves chickens. At the very least, it's just distracting; but sometimes it's just incredibly annoying. Craven probably felt that the film was too grim (that's the only explanation for this crap I can think of), but c'mon. He couldn't think of another way to lighten up the tone without having fat cops falling off of cars? Really? C'mon.

Also, after the young girls are disposed of, we are "treated" to the parents getting their revenge on the rapists. This "revenge" basically amounts to smearing shaving cream on the floor and an awkwardly long and badly done chainsaw kill. Oh, and who can forget the mother giving one of the rapists a BJ, only to conclude by biting his penis off? This part of the movie isn't really even that gory, and is mostly just stupid. The best part of this half of the movie is actually a dream sequence, that unfortunately doesn't amount to anything. Damn. The remake does this a lot better, as it at least has exploding heads. I am a sucker for exploding heads.

And the acting is bad. Just a quick note.

Hmm... there's really no reason to watch this film unless you want to see how Craven got his start and/or you want to see the film that spawned the (superior) remake. I still can't believe I'm saying the remake is superior, but unfortunately the original "Last House" hasn't aged that well, and it's not as shocking as it was back in the day. If you're uninitiated with disturbing horror movies, this one's a pretty good starting point, though. But for the rest of you, eh. You can skip it, unless the curiosity gets the best of you or you really want to hear about how Mari's breasts developed over the summer. I think I give the film 2 chainsaws, but I'll give it the "Honorary Important Film" chainsaw, as it is actually a pretty important and ahead-of-its-time film. So, "Last House" gets a:

3 out of 5 chainsaws (AVERAGE)

Deep Red (1975)

Deep Red (AKA Profondo rosso) (1975)
Watched March 25, 2009
NOTE: I watched the 126-min. cut of Deep Red.


SYNOPSIS
A pianist witnesses the murder of a psychic, and teams up with a reporter to find the killer before they are killed.

SHORT REVIEW
"Deep Red" was great. This is a very short "short review".

REVIEW
I'm going to admit up front, I'm not the biggest Argento fan around. The other movies I've seen from Argento were "Suspiria" and "Opera"; I thought "Suspiria" was good, but highly overrated, and I thought "Opera" was pretty stupid. Sure, both are stylish as all hell, and "Suspiria" is one of the better looking horror films I've seen, but I could never really get into them, and I felt pretty disappointed after watching both of them. But, I'm glad to say that "Deep Red" restored my faith in Dario Argento, and I'm hoping the next film of his I watch is this good.

The film's got it all. It retains what I liked about "Suspiria" and "Opera", that being the style. It features some gruesome murders, all of which are shot well and will satisfy most gorehounds. The plot is intriguing, as are the characters.

That's not to say the film is without its flaws. There's way too much comic relief in "Deep Red". It's as if Argento felt that the film was too gruesome or whatever, so he just shot a bunch of scenes with this stupid reporter chick who is always trying to be funny. She never is. It's actually pretty annoying. Maybe the shorter cuts cut out all this BS and keep to the interesting plot, but the 126-minute cut sure doesn't. It's unfortunate, as it ruins all the atmosphere and suspense that the film builds so well.

SPOILER WARNING
SPOILER WARNING
SPOILER WARNING
And the murderer is just some comic relief character who has about 5 minutes of screen time, which I thought was pretty stupid, to be honest.
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It pisses me off when I get things spoiled for me in films, so I have an alert. I hope that was obvious enough.

What is it about Italian movies and their extremely awesome music? I swear, the score for this and other Italian horror movies ("Stagefright" and "Demons" come to mind) just make me want to get up and dance. I don't know why, but that weird jazz-rock music they play is just crazy awesome. It's also quite distracting, as weird jazz-rock music doesn't quite fit with people getting their teeth smashed in. I guess it's less distracting than the ear-piercingly loud heavy metal music Argento picked for the death scenes in "Opera", but still...

On a completely different note, please don't get this film from Netflix. God damn Netflix. The DVD they gave me didn't give me the option to watch the film in Italian with English subtitles, which I prefer to do during foreign-language films. So I had to watch the English dub. But, then the DVD kept switching from English to Italian to English to Italian. It's really pretty annoying when a couple lines are in English, then suddenly they're speaking Italian. Especially when the languages switch mid-sentence, as it did a couple times. Upon further research, it appears they lost part of the English dub, so I guess it isn't really the DVD's fault. But could they at least have had better subtitles for it? Every f'ing line, there's a spelling or grammar mistake. Sometimes, they don't even bother putting subtitles! There was probably 3-5 minutes of the film that I missed every line of dialogue, because it was in Italian with no subtitles. What the hell. Get a better DVD copy.

SPOILER WARNING
SPOILER WARNING
SPOILER WARNING
Not to mention the goddamn DVD started skipping right when the murderer gets decapitated by an elevator. That's just so disappointing when you don't get to see elevator decapitations. Missing elevator decapitations because of scratched DVDs make me want to decapitate people with elevators.
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Wow, I'm ranting a little bit. I guess that's my cue to end my review. I'd give "Deep Red" a 4.5 out of 5, but since I don't accept half-chainsaw reviews, because of the awesome music, I'll give "Deep Red":

5 out of 5 chainsaws (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED)